This is me...

I can't really say that I have move on, because I know he is still in my system. But I can say that I have accepted everything. As I mentioned on my SOLA (That was my first post on my blog), my parents taught me how to accept things that are out of my control. Things would be much easier if I just let it be. I know he did me wrong but I don't want to contemplate on things that will just give me bad memories of him. I can't help to ask myself where I went wrong...he told me that he is opening the door for me to find someone better...but he could have been better if he wanted to. Whatever reason he has, all I can see is that he doesn't want me anymore.

You didn't spare me from anguish; you just took away the hope that is within me, but don't worry, I'm picking up the pieces and I will glue them on my own.

He's gone...

We broke up yesterday... I'm sad, i'm hurting, i'm scared and emptiness is killing me. I have been always lucky with all the people coming in my life, but when it comes to relationship...it always fail. It is so haaaard to find someone whom you would really fall in love with. It took me several years to find this feeling, I fought really hard to make it work and i'm willing to fight harder but he gave up on me. No third party, feelings are still there...he just doesn't want me to be involve...but I am and I want to be involve. We've been together for seven months and the relationship was a rollercoaster ride. I went through a lot of adjustments as well as him, we went through a lot already, my problem, his problems, my happiness, his happiness, we endure those things together. And we tried to save the relationship even his responsibilities on his work and his problems are getting bigger. I can still stay, but we both know it was bound to end. My heart wanted to stay but it is best to let go. I'm proud of how we handled the situation maturely. We talk and we are still friends. I want to stay by his side even as a friend because all the things that we've been through can never be forgotten. Everyone can leave you but I will always be here. "Di ba nga, kahit ilang Tier 3 pa ang lumapit sa akin, di kita iiwan." Hehehe!

Why i'm Staying?

Its simple...i'm happy.

A lot of people may not understand why, but there are few who will. These are people whom for one point in there life experienced the same feeling. Its soooo hard to put it into words but i'm sure I still want to stay. As long as he wants me to.

I'm happy because...
...he gave me the chance to feel what its like to give more of myself without asking anything in return. All my life, I received so much love and care from people around me. And its just wonderful to give more and expect less.

...I learned more of myself than I learn about him. I'm surprise that I was able to do things I never thought I am capable of doing.

...he made me appreciate things more. I realized how blessed I am. I may not have everything in life but all the things and the people I have right now is enough to make me happy.

...being with him made me appreciate life more. Life is short, I must do things that would make me happy, give importance to all the people in my life and spend each day as if it is the last. I would never let a day pass by without letting these people know how much they mean to me.

...it amazes me how he made me feel the real meaning of contentment just by looking at him.

In my entire life I never took a risk...not until I met him.

Got to talk to him...b

Finally, I was able to talk to him....I can't really say the problem was solved or questions are answered...but I can't argue with him. The last thing he needs right now is a whining girlfriend. Its hard to understand the situation we're in right now, its even harder to understand someone who never explains. But I understand him, I care for him and I don't want to see him this way. He doesn't know that it hurts me to hear or see him give up. He wants to end his life and all that crap. He's being selfish....he doesn't know there are people who cares for him and will be miserable if he will be gone.

Keeping myself busy...

Just got home, spent the rest of the afternoon with my two girlfriends, Missy and Jhongke. We ate, talk, stroll, talk...and more talk...hehehe! I want to get home tired so as not to think of anything before going to bed. Still no word from him. Well, it piss me off because I do not know where and what is happening with him. I need to ask his friends...they know more...hmmmmp! When I say i'm damned worried about him, I mean it...I don't say things because I have to or it sounds good...i'm not putting up a show just to please him. Hayyyy...

Anyways, just bought six books for only Php120. Wow! That's from booksale. I'm almost done reading John Grisham's The Partner. Can't put it down. I think he is a great author. I really could not imagine what will happen to the main characters. So many surprises...I thought the male lead character was bad turned out that there are more villains in the story. Got to start my book journal....

By the way, I watched Cars last Monday. It was a nice film with moral lessons...Cried actually, when Lightning McQueen went back for that (sorry, forgot his name) old racer, when the victory is just an inch away. Proves that winning isn't everything. Quote from the movie "Its just an empty cup." There are a lot of things important than that, friendship, keeping your values intact and of course the relationship you have with people that are important to you.

Still, cannot sleep. I'm not yet tired.

Something to do...

I miss my Chumyness sooo much...we're supposed to meet last Sunday but he never came. Honestly, im not angry, infact i'm more worried..I know him as a person who never miss his commitments. Especially, he knows I will be waiting for him. Apart from that, I was also hurt by the fact that he never even tried to inform me why...well, I know he has his own reasons...that reason better be good...or else...wahahaha...just kidding. Well. just missing and worried about him.

Well, today. i'm kinda thinking of making a book journal...before I had a movie journal, but I watched so many movies a week so I stopped it...

Book journal must be great...well, got to start one. I'm currently reading John Grisham's The Partner and The Rainmaker. My friend promised to lend me The Firm book. I read his A Time to Kill book and it was great...cried reading that book. Not yet done with Robert Jordan's series though...it could wait. I miss reading my fave author's books, Sidney Sheldon.

I miss him sooo much...

Finally, Chumyness and I got the chance to go out...since I was hospitalize and he was out of town for awhile. I just miss him so much....ang saya. Kahit na nagtampo talaga ako sa kanya...sobra....pero ganun talaga...I see that he is making up for it What is important, we are still together....

I'm Still Holding On

Can't find the right words to let you know how I feel...
I'll hold on to us, no matter what....
I trust you more than I think I can...
Even if people around us is making me hard to do it, I know I trust you with all my heart...
Even if there are times that i'm hurting because I can't seem to put things the way it should be, I will still stay...
You are the half that makes me whole...
I don't care what others say...
I will still love you...Chumyness

For those who Cared

I underwent an operation yesterday (hindi naman major operation)...I want to thank all my friends who took the time out to help me and also for the financial assistance.

Grace,
You were there the entire operation, patiently waiting. Thank you sooo much. Not just for the time but also for lending me the money. I'm sooo happy that even if we don't see each other as often as we could, you were still there when I need you. Thank you talaga ng marami.

Amerone,
Thank you for helping me, kahit na hindi na tayo nag-uusap. Sooobrang thank you. Ang sarap ng feeling na mayrong handang tumulong sa'yo kahit na hindi kayo ganun kaclose. Thank you ng sobra-sobra.

Lala and Vianca,
We've been friends for six years now, and we've been through a lot. Siguro ito na ung pinakamalaking bagyo na dumaan sa isa sa ating tatlo. I'm so happy na kayo ang naging friends ko. Vianca, even if you were not there, I know that you are worried about me. Thank you for your prayers. Lala, thank you for the last minute help. I wish that I can also do the same when you asked for helped a few months ago. Pero wala rin talaga ako nun. Di ako makakalabas ng hospital kung hindi ka dumating. Sobrang thank you talaga.

Marianne,
You were there since day one. And I appreciate all the time na binibigay mo para samahan ako. Thank you for the support, lalo na nung bago ko pa lang nalaman. Thank you for keeping some information secret. Sobrang thank you.

TP friends,
I'm so glad that I have friends here that are ready to help. Kay Sird Eds, kernan, Mark, thank you for the financial assistance. For Queen, MJ, Kuya ray, Arlene and other Team Eclipse and Wave 29 members who knew about the operation, thank you for showing me that you care. Alam kong you prayed for me. Kay Vince and kay Sir Allan, thank you for the moral support. Sir Ralph, thank you po and sorry sa sched comp. Di na ako malilate pagbalik ko. Promise...

Chumyness,
I know that you're busy and I understand kung late ka na dumating. Mahalaga dumating ka. Thank you sa pag-aasikaso ng lahat. Thank you sa time. Thank you for staying kahit alam kong marami ka ng problema. Thank you for being my strength. You are the reason kung bakit masarap pa ring mabuhay. Thank you...I wouldn't have done it without you.

My family,
Thank you for understanding me....

God,
Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for all these people na pinadala mo to help me.

Need to be Strong

Invictus OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance	5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,	10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul. I've been going through a lot these days, its as if I just want to close my eyes wish that when I open it, everything will be back to normal. I just want to stare at nothingness, talk less and cry more. But I know it won't change anything.... Apart from all the things that is happening in my life right now, I'm still glad to have my family, Marianne and Chumyness by my side.

State of My Life Address

Have you ever look back on what you went through? What you have achieved in your ___ years of existence here in this world?

Inspired by the SONA of our president…..

Here I present to you my SOLA, “State of my Life Address”

I’m Edabelle Besin Ragay, 21 years old. Ilang beses nang napalo ni Inay, ilang beses ng humalo ang luha ko sa aking uhog nung bata pa ako, gumulong-gulong dahil sa pagkalampa, imiyak, tumawa, lumuha at sumaya. Lahat ng ito, sa maniwala kayo o hindi ay naging malaking bahagi ng pagkatao ko.

ELEMENTARY

I’m just an ordinary girl, born here in Manila, went to Dumaguete and came back for good. Never akong nakatikim ng private school, hindi ko rin napagdaanan ang buhay nursery, prep o kinder man lang. Nagdarna na ako kaagad sa Grade 1, kahit di pa puwede six years old, hala sige, pinalusot na lang. (Wahaha, di nila napansin height ko!!!)

Apat na schools ang nironda ko nung elementary, nakapagsuot ng Girl Scout uniform, nakailang beses ring nakatanggap ng picture frames tuwing Christmas Party (may shampoo at toothpaste pa nga, eh!), nakailang tanggap rin ng medalya kahit papaano.

HIGHSCHOOL

Nung highschool, Miss Popularity ako. Kahit di na mag-aral papasa na sa dami ng extra curricular activities. But before the fame, of course I worked hard bago makuha yun. Dito ko nakilala ang D’FRAME-G, SR. JIMAD, CAMELVANT at RAP JAM. Ang bestfriend kong si Pas at tsaka ang mga best guy friends kong sina Jilbert at Emond. Sa pagtatapos ng pasukan, pasok pa rin sa banga ang lola nyo sa mga awards.

COLLEGE

PUP talaga ang first choice kong pasukan sa college at IE talaga ang gusto ko, yun nga lang medyo nalihis ng landas sa Accountancy. Sinasabi nila highschool life raw ang pinakamasaya, pero para sa akin, college. Here I met matured, open-minded and sincere people. Patatawanin ka pag malungkot ka, di ka iiwanan sa ere, praprangkahin ka pag sumosobra ka na. yung tipong walang plastikan. That’s what I’ve found from my two precious friends, Lala (ang Chickboy na Antukin, aka Lalaque) and Vianca (na pumayat na).

Syempre nandyan din naman sina Joseph aka GwapiToledo, “My Babzy,” Aljohn aka Alex Bandido, Merry as Sanggre, si Joyce na mahilig sa Chinovela (magpapalit na nga ‘ata ito ng nationality, eh!), si Joman “Ang Pastor ng Bayan,” si Jenilee na laging tagatawa, si Kristine, “The Crying-Laughing Girl” (na tatalo sa kasikatan ng My Sassy Girl), si Apple “Ang Institusyon,” si Julius na Mr. Diskarte, ang TM Girls, si Benedict na Pogeetah, si Nessang Juicylicious Nutricious, si Alvin na nag-over ‘d bakod na, si Fred ang “Mr. GMA” ng klase, sina Ria at Christian na “Ang tanong ng bayan, “Sila na ba?” at ang di matatawarang kasipagan ng grupong Leslie, Analyn, Kim, Jinky, Hilda at Roselyn.

Kanino ko ba kayang i-share ang mga jokes na “Are you declaring wire? O di kaya “Mag try-some kaya kayong tatlo?” eh, yung joke na dugtungan ng salita? Di ba sa kanila lang?

Oo, tsubrang hirap ng college, pero wala namang papantay sa saya. Kahit ‘di na ako popular sa buong school, mas masarap maging Boobita Rose, Artistahin o Boobzy ng klase. Ano naman ngayon kung di na ako nagpeperform sa lahat ng estudyante sa school namin? Mas masaya naman ang videokehan sa SM Centerpoint, at ang pagpeperform sa kantang Kiliti, di ba?!

Sa stage na ito naranasan kong pumasok ng walang tulog, ni lapat ng likod ko sa kama man lang, naranasan kong mag-OJT, matulog ng 5am sa kakachat at syempre ang mag-overnight sa bahay ng iba. Dito ko nalaman kung pano mangarap at makilala ng mas mabuti ang sarili ko. Dito ako naging tutor sa LNK at mas lalong naging malapit kay God at sa aking pamilya. Ditong stage na ito nalaman kong kahit papaano, nakakatouch ako ng buhay ng ibang tao. College life talaga ang the best!!!

I have received many awards, recognition and once in my life experienced fame, but apart from all of these I was not happy.

It’s because I know within me that in our lives these things don’t matter.

It doesn’t matter if I have medals and I’m popular, that doesn’t make me a greater person than those who doesn’t have.

Our family doesn’t have much but its okay, because it doesn’t make me a lesser person than those who have plenty.

I’m proud of how my parents had raised me. They have made me realized that there are much more important things than money, medals and popularity…and that is my family, my faith and doing good. Material things will fade but these things will remain forever in the hearts of the people whom you have touched their lives.

My family advised me to take care of my friends. Especially those kind of friendship that nurtures me and allows me to grow. And stay away to those who will do me no good.

My parents imparted so much values in me but the most important is having faith in God. I do belive that this helps me to be kinder to others, more appreciative of what I have and not to focus on what I can’t have. It made me accept things easily that are out of my control and gave me a sense of fulfillment in all the things I do. I feel contented and complete having God as the center of my life and from these stems my REAL HAPPINESS.

A writer named Bob Ong once said:

“Nalaman kong hindi pala exam na may passing rate ang buhay.

Hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration,

o fill-in-the-blanks na sinasagutan, kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw.

Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa

kung may kabuluhan ang mga naisulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures.”